“you’re irreplaceable” is a nice compliment, but not to be taken literally
I spent the morning reviewing résumés for the Controller position I will soon be vacating. The job has been on Craig’s List for just over a week, and there are 114 applications so far – from ex-CFO/CEOs, VPs of Finance, stock analysts and day traders, investment bankers, Ivy league and MBA graduates, mortgage brokers, entrepreneurs, a truckload of real estate agents, and one earth-mover.
The process is making me feel a little protective of my job; not protective as in I want to keep it all for myself and not share it with anyone, but protective like I only want to hand it over to someone who will execute it with more accuracy, precision, and efficiency than I. Someone who will be an improvement so that, although they might miss Emily around the office, they will be in superior hands accounting-wise. Clearly, I have some thanks-but-no-thanks-for-the-great-opportunity guilt. I feel like I have just divorced my job, and now I have been asked to walk it down the aisle and deliver it unto its new relationship. So…in case there are any would-be Controllers reading this blog, here are a few things to not put on your résumé:
As a qualification, in no particular context: “I am simple.”
From the cover letter (so many things wrong here): “I am writing in response to you’re add for the technical writing position…”
Another from the cover letter: “Due to personality conflicts at my last job, I am now unemployed and living with my sister and her three kids in Thousand Oaks…[blah blah bla life story]…”
As an objective: “To translate The Vision into operational targets through the deployment of finance.” (I did not underline and capitalize The Vision, they did.)
My favorite, also from the cover letter, from someone apparently unfamiliar with the ethical accounting scandals of late: “My personality does not lend itself to begging, but I would do anything for this job. Anything.”
Also, when did a backslash – or maybe it is a forwardslash, either way, one of these: / – become an acceptable way to end a sentence? There are at least three cover letters that end in this: “Thank you for considering my application/” Well, don’t thank me yet, cause I’m not considering the application of anyone who can’t manage proper punctuation on a cover letter. (Yes, I realize I have some weird punctuation going on in the first sentence of this paragraph, but this a blog post, not a cover letter, and anyways, everyone knows there is no such thing as punctuation on the internet.)
Finally, this seems fairly obvious, but these people have to assume that there will be multiple applications for this job, so perhaps one should name one’s résumé file something useful, like John_Doe_Resume.doc; not Myresume.doc, and definitely not genericcoverletter.doc. Here’s another obvious one: put your friggin’ name and contact information on the résumé. I know the economy is rough and all, but it’s no wonder some of these people are unemployed, and from the looks of their résumés, they’re gonna stay that way.
Okay, done venting! (Almost.) An alternative title to this post could have been: continually surprised by the general stupidity out there…
Carmen is discussing.
Carmen 10:55 pm on October 8, 2009 Permalink
Wow. I’m familiar with this uncomfortable position and mainly I find it pretty entertaining. I don’t have the same kind of dedication as you do and also realized the limitations that were already in place – like, yeah right, good luck trying to find someone better than you at doing your job. Its pretty much impossible. Sorry to burst your bubble on that.
What I am most intrigued by is this use of punctuation/
Whats that about? I have not gotten the memo that a backslash is now a period. Is that a secret code for something? Hold on, let me google it….
Ok, I think its some sort of programming thing, I found this:
“it has an easy mnuemonic: If a back slash means concatenate the next line onto this one then forward slash means force the line break here.”
And I’m assuming you are wondering what concatenate means:
without getting all complicated, it means “linked together”. So I think what these nerds are trying to tell you is that they are wicked smahhht. Too smart for their own good. When you tell them that they didn’t get the position (or even an interview) tell them to use a period next time.